Friday, February 10, 2012

Mixed bag of feelings tonight

The good news is I have been able to go 2 whole days now without any medication except for a couple allergy pills. Note to self: Flares seem to happen pre-period. So that's something to watch for.

I am down because of the realization that a friend has dumped me. I guess I am too much in pain & a drag to be around. Although this wasn't SAID to me, I feel that I am enough in tune with this person to know that's probably it. I can sense the avoidance.

I'd almost rather a friend just come out and say it to my face. The avoidance has me feeling -- hmmm. . .what exactly? Confused, angry, depressed, used, unworthy, and damaged.

I do feel that my health problem is a big part of this, and what is kind of weird is that I've been unfriended before, (when I was well) & I didn't react like I am now -- as if it's some kind of personal failure. . .on the contrary. That "friend" only called me when she needed something, and when she moved to another city without even bothering to let me know, I figured it was good-riddance to a very one-sided friendship. It's like my Fibro has messed a lot with my confidence in myself.

I've asked current "barely-friend" if everything's alright, and I get dismissive, non-detailed answers like, "I had stuff I had to do." Which irritates me, because wow, do *I* have a ton of stuff to do, PLUS a chronic pain issue, but I find the time for friends.

I am done finding the time for this fair-weather friend. I have better things to do.

I wish I knew why I have this feeling of abandonment. I need to keep working on self esteem. If a person wants to be part of my life, they will make an effort. I just haven't seen it.
Last night I cried myself to sleep.

The Trichotillomania is very bad now.

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