Gyn appointment and my goals

I had my gynecology appointment today. It has been 2 years since I have been there. It's also been 2 years since my last pap smear. It all went well. I told the doctor about the shooting pains I had yesterday in my breast. I had my last lab work from the rheumatologist sent to the gynecologist. He said my bloodwork looked really good, that he'd be lucky if he had anyone else come in the office today with good looking numbers like mine.

I don't know what it was about this visit, but I left empowered that I am going to fight my procrastination. I needed to have this gyn visit, I did that -- I also needed to call the insurance company as well -- so I did that, and the Big One...the credit card company. My account is overdue. I was so afraid to call them, but the lady I spoke to was so nice and she recommended a good credit counseling service that will help work with creditors so I can have one monthly payment. The counseling service is associated with the Lutheran church, which was kind of neat to me, since I grew up Lutheran. I have filled out the online application and now I can relax a bit. A lot of pressure is already lifted off of me. I am about in tears as I write this, because I really think everything is going to work out okay. This can only help my stress level, and if I help my stress level, that should help my medical condition. So I feel pretty good about these positive changes.

I had to struggle to get information I needed to do this from the man-child I am married to, but I did it. He is so very frustrating. You know, I read a medical study that found that men with Fibromyalgia (and all men in general) do better health-wise if they are married -- BUT -- women with Fibromyalgia do WORSE medically when they are married. (Stress and man-children, anyone?) lol...I am laughing now but this is true. He is a big stressor in my life.

Pain, but tolerable

Day 3 or 4 of no prescriptions. I did have to take a Tylenol today. Yesterday I had terrible pains in my fingers. I think the weather changes got me. Tomorrow I have my gynecology appointment.

Mixed bag of feelings tonight

The good news is I have been able to go 2 whole days now without any medication except for a couple allergy pills. Note to self: Flares seem to happen pre-period. So that's something to watch for.

I am down because of the realization that a friend has dumped me. I guess I am too much in pain & a drag to be around. Although this wasn't SAID to me, I feel that I am enough in tune with this person to know that's probably it. I can sense the avoidance.

I'd almost rather a friend just come out and say it to my face. The avoidance has me feeling -- hmmm. . .what exactly? Confused, angry, depressed, used, unworthy, and damaged.

I do feel that my health problem is a big part of this, and what is kind of weird is that I've been unfriended before, (when I was well) & I didn't react like I am now -- as if it's some kind of personal failure. . .on the contrary. That "friend" only called me when she needed something, and when she moved to another city without even bothering to let me know, I figured it was good-riddance to a very one-sided friendship. It's like my Fibro has messed a lot with my confidence in myself.

I've asked current "barely-friend" if everything's alright, and I get dismissive, non-detailed answers like, "I had stuff I had to do." Which irritates me, because wow, do *I* have a ton of stuff to do, PLUS a chronic pain issue, but I find the time for friends.

I am done finding the time for this fair-weather friend. I have better things to do.

I wish I knew why I have this feeling of abandonment. I need to keep working on self esteem. If a person wants to be part of my life, they will make an effort. I just haven't seen it.
Last night I cried myself to sleep.

The Trichotillomania is very bad now.

Dentist

The dentist visit I was dreading so much wasn't too bad. When I made the appointment, I told them about my medical situation & asked them to add some extra time. So the hygeinist was able to take her time & nothing hurt too much. I was concerned that the Flexeril may have caused gum problems. Also, I have a dry mouth during the night from the CPAP. However, the dentist said I am doing well. There wasn't much scraping to be done. I also don't have any cavities. I was so relieved.

I talked to him about my ear ringing concerns & he said for TMJ he would refer me to a dentist in Buckhead
who specializes in that. But that if I am not having clicking, popping, or pain there, to just hang in there & keep an eye on the situation.

Priorities & choices

I am so sad tonight because I don't know if even some things were different, would it even make any difference? Am I just entertainment? I am so tired of a certain situation. I know the solution, but it breaks my heart and makes me sad. But I guess it has to be done. I need to stop fooling myself. A healthy life isn't just eating right & getting rest. It's also about healthy relationships. It has to be done, self. Be strong. You know what dad would say.

Health coach by phone

I am so lucky. My husband's work offered a deal -- sign up for free health counseling by phone and the company would pay US $100 each!

Just that it was free was good enough, but they were going to pay us?!? Unbelievable! Of course I signed up. Husband with severe health issues like high blood pressure & diabetes is of course stubborn and refused to sign up.

I had my first phone call yesterday, & I will talk to my coach again in 2 weeks. The goal for the first couple weeks is for me to make sure I eat breakfast every day & have protein at breakfast at each 4x per week.

That is a small first goal. I'm sure they do it that way on purpose. I think the biggest help to me will be the accountability.

Merry Christmas Eve

I have had some pain but it has been low enough most of the time that I can work to ignore it. I know I am lucky. When I get tired, which is easily & often, the pain gets to me more.

I have discovered that a heating pad at the middle of my back helps alleviate my pain a lot. Feels so good!

I have planned a Christmas meal that is really easy. I am spacing out the things that need to be done so I won't get overly tired.  I made pies this morning.

I received a Christmas letter from a friend who has 5 kids. Not only are all the kids successful in every endeavor, but she was able to make a rhyming list of their activities, with each line starting with a letter from "M-E-R-R-Y C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S" -- Oh, and she works as a teacher of children who have autism. I think she may be a saint walking among us, really! So I couldn't help but compare to my life -- I barely got 10 Christmas cards sent out. My daughter was so sweet - she said, "But Mom, she's not having pain like YOU have every day." I couldn't believe it! Somebody has a clue. That was the best Christmas present ever.