Today has been a roller coaster ride of moods. I haven't cried, but I felt low. I feel low when I'm hurting, or right after the hurting peaks. Now I'm feeling a bit better. I am alternating my time sitting with activity. It's a lot of up and down, but at least I'm not getting stiff and painful. Mainly my back is bothering me the most today, but my knee feels weak and my feet hurt. I must have been limping this morning because my daughter thought I was being goofy and asked me why I was "walking that way?" My feet hurt, but I think I am just dealing, you know? If I stop and really think about everything that's hurting, I'm going to crumble. All I can do is work to get to the kitchen like this morning for example. If it took walking funny to get to the kitchen, then that's what it takes. I think if I over analyze, I'm going to lose my mind.
Yesterday I attended a meeting and I felt sort of out of it in the sense that I was too aware of my body. It was distracting that I had to worry a bit about feeling bad while I was there. I tried to speak up with some ideas, but it seemed like someone else would talk right over me and that I was a little out of the "clique."
Maybe it was me and maybe I am too sensitive.
There were also times that I would start talking and couldn't come up with the word or the name. Names that would normally come to me in a snap. I worry that I am coming off as dumb and that is why I was "dismissed" somewhat.
I go to the rheumatologist today and I have my list of symptoms printed out, as well as a list of all the medications/vitamins I'm taking and a list of questions. I don't want to go blank when I'm there. I want the visit to be productive.
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