Bad several days and a pity party

I have had a bad time for the last several days. The pain has been bad, the fog deep, the ears ringing even more than usual and the fatigue HEAVY.

I have work to do (I work at home) but it seems unconquerable. I have kept putting off communicating with clients because I feel so shitty -but I can only put off communicating for so long.

I have to either push forward now or tell clients I'm sorry I can't help them. Unfortunately for most of the things I can do to make money, it all has Christmas deadline...and I know that part of this is probably depression. Not depressed enough to harm myself, but I just want to be left alone. I have no drive to accomplish anything.

I'm trying to re-assess how I can reorganize my business so that it works for me (so my jobs will be more basic and not so involved and difficult) -- I can't handle the more difficult jobs now. At least I am able to make the changes that I need, I am trying to look at the bright side of that.

But I feel like such a loser that I cannot seem to motivate myself.

I did cry before going to sleep last night, but I can't even let myself get a good pity party of sobbing going because I know I have to put on my CPAP mask. So there is the frustration that I can't even cry like a normal person now? Sheesh!

So this morning I told my husband I was thinking about what I could do to no longer take on the difficult/complicated jobs and just do simple jobs. He made a snarky comment like "What, cuz they're cutting into your INTERNET time?!?"

Of course that hurt my feelings. I do spend time on the Internet that seems like more than normal, but I make money using the Internet (I keep some websites, I write, etc)...so when I am using the Internet I'm not playing, I am working and trying to make some money but I guess it looks to others like I am playing.

So I realized even he doesn't understand. Part of my time is spent on the Internet using my tablet -- and again that looks like playing but what I am doing is trying to distract myself from the pain. Lying in bed listening to my ears ring louder and louder doesn't help. The tablet is a good distraction.

Anyway, as usual I got myself so upset and frustrated that "Nobody will every understand me" that I cried. My husband later came over to me and put his arm around me and apologized. He said, "That was bitchy of me, wasn't it?"

I can understand his point of view, because I would probably feel that he was a lazy faker if our situations were reversed.

Out of it in several ways lol

Today has been a roller coaster ride of moods. I haven't cried, but I felt low. I feel low when I'm hurting, or right after the hurting peaks. Now I'm feeling a bit better. I am alternating my time sitting with activity. It's a lot of up and down, but at least I'm not getting stiff and painful. Mainly my back is bothering me the most today, but my knee feels weak and my feet hurt. I must have been limping this morning because my daughter thought I was being goofy and asked me why I was "walking that way?" My feet hurt, but I think I am just dealing, you know? If I stop and really think about everything that's hurting, I'm going to crumble. All I can do is work to get to the kitchen like this morning for example. If it took walking funny to get to the kitchen, then that's what it takes. I think if I over analyze, I'm going to lose my mind.

Yesterday I attended a meeting and I felt sort of out of it in the sense that I was too aware of my body. It was distracting that I had to worry a bit about feeling bad while I was there. I tried to speak up with some ideas, but it seemed like someone else would talk right over me and that I was a little out of the "clique."

Maybe it was me and maybe I am too sensitive.

There were also times that I would start talking and couldn't come up with the word or the name. Names that would normally come to me in a snap. I worry that I am coming off as dumb and that is why I was "dismissed" somewhat.

I go to the rheumatologist today and I have my list of symptoms printed out, as well as a list of all the medications/vitamins I'm taking and a list of questions. I don't want to go blank when I'm there. I want the visit to be productive.