The worst part

I hate that Fibromyalgia has robbed me of confidence in myself.

Bad several days and a pity party

I have had a bad time for the last several days. The pain has been bad, the fog deep, the ears ringing even more than usual and the fatigue HEAVY.

I have work to do (I work at home) but it seems unconquerable. I have kept putting off communicating with clients because I feel so shitty -but I can only put off communicating for so long.

I have to either push forward now or tell clients I'm sorry I can't help them. Unfortunately for most of the things I can do to make money, it all has Christmas deadline...and I know that part of this is probably depression. Not depressed enough to harm myself, but I just want to be left alone. I have no drive to accomplish anything.

I'm trying to re-assess how I can reorganize my business so that it works for me (so my jobs will be more basic and not so involved and difficult) -- I can't handle the more difficult jobs now. At least I am able to make the changes that I need, I am trying to look at the bright side of that.

But I feel like such a loser that I cannot seem to motivate myself.

I did cry before going to sleep last night, but I can't even let myself get a good pity party of sobbing going because I know I have to put on my CPAP mask. So there is the frustration that I can't even cry like a normal person now? Sheesh!

So this morning I told my husband I was thinking about what I could do to no longer take on the difficult/complicated jobs and just do simple jobs. He made a snarky comment like "What, cuz they're cutting into your INTERNET time?!?"

Of course that hurt my feelings. I do spend time on the Internet that seems like more than normal, but I make money using the Internet (I keep some websites, I write, etc)...so when I am using the Internet I'm not playing, I am working and trying to make some money but I guess it looks to others like I am playing.

So I realized even he doesn't understand. Part of my time is spent on the Internet using my tablet -- and again that looks like playing but what I am doing is trying to distract myself from the pain. Lying in bed listening to my ears ring louder and louder doesn't help. The tablet is a good distraction.

Anyway, as usual I got myself so upset and frustrated that "Nobody will every understand me" that I cried. My husband later came over to me and put his arm around me and apologized. He said, "That was bitchy of me, wasn't it?"

I can understand his point of view, because I would probably feel that he was a lazy faker if our situations were reversed.